May 18, 2011

Arnold and Sly and Maria and Brigitte

The story told me by an admirer of Arnold Schwarzenegger is that in the early-to-mid 1980s, Arnold was courting Maria Shriver, daughter of the 1972 Democratic vice-presidential candidate and niece of the late President. 

However, a contractual obligation arising from his starring role in Conan the Barbarian meant he had to go to Spain to make a crummier sword-and-sandal epic for Dino de Laurentis, Red Sonja. One consolation turned out to be the very young, very tall, very enthusiastic Danish model who was playing Red Sonja, Brigitte Nielsen. Arnold and Brigitte immediately began a passionate affair. It was so intense that he began to wonder about his plans for marrying into the Kennedy-Shriver dynasty. Would it be worth it to sacrifice everything he had planned in terms of his ascent in American life just for this extremely hot number? Maybe ...

Finally, Arnold's ambition won out. He resolved to return to Maria. But what if Brigitte pursued him? Could he resist? Then Arnold got a phone call from his agent (or perhaps his lawyer, I forget). He was coming to Spain with another client, Sylvester Stallone, the biggest action movie hero in the world at the time. What about getting together for dinner on Arnold's last night in Spain? Stallone had long badmouthed Schwarzenegger, so there was no love lost between the two, but Arnold agreed.

Arnold came up with a plan. He invited Brigitte to accompany him to the dinner. She was thrilled about publicly being Arnold's date and thrilled about meeting a much bigger star than Arnie. He told her he had some things to do first, so she should get all dolled up and take a cab to the restaurant to meet him, where he'd introduce her to Sly. She went to the restaurant and met Stallone, but Arnold hopped a plane back to Maria. 

Not long afterwards, Sly and Brigitte married. He stuck her in his 1985 movie Cobra. Soon, they divorced, with Sly complaining that she had messed with his head so badly he hadn't been able to concentrate on his career. She went on to four more husbands. I can't remember if she officially married Flavor Flav. She recently starred in a reality show in which she got massive plastic surgery and then was photographed in chain mail lingerie.

Arnold married Maria Shriver, had four (legitimate) children, displaced Sly as the top action star, and was elected governor of California.

Or, at least, that's what I heard.

I know it sounds crazy, but my friend swears that really happened: "In 2003, voters elected this movie muscleman their governor! True f--king story, no s--t."

By the way, as one commenter implied, it's interesting to look at things from Maria Shriver's point of view:

-- 1984ish: The star of sleeper sensation Terminator cheats on me on another continent with 20-year-old Brigitte Nielsen, but then chooses me over her and, to make sure it's permanent, dumps that crazy Nordic Amazon on poor Sylvester Stallone so she won't come after Arnold anymore. Ooh, he really, really loves me ...

-- 2003: The Daily Mail reports just before the gubernatorial election that the candidate had a love child a decade before with that slinky blonde stewardess on his Gulfstream. Hmmmhmmm ... well, it probably wouldn't do to raise a stink now and screw-up the election.

-- 2011: The washed-up ex-gov had a love child in the late 1990s in my own home with my fat Mexican maid?!? What an insult to me! I'm out of here!

42 comments:

Thrasymachus said...

Arnold went on to make a bunch of forgettable movies, including the hideously left-wing Terminator movies, and suffer extended humiliation as only a liberal Republican can receive at the hands of the leftists of California. I mean, could it really have been worse? Stallone made some crappy movies, but he was also Rocky and Rambo, two iconic American characters.

Anonymous said...

BREAKING: JENNIFER ANISTON'S DOG NORMAN HAS DIED, THE WELSH CORGI-TERRIER MIX WAS 15 YEARS OLD

Anonymous said...

Isn't Brigitte Nielsen the same woman who much later in life ended up on at least one reality show in a relationship with some ignorant yet nice black guy straight out of the ghetto?

Gotta wonder where all that Red Sonja money's gone.

RS said...

It sounds like the Daness has an inferior personality. Physically, taking a quick look just now, I think Shriver is slightly preferable. However you can find some truly heinous present-day images of each - much worse than women of similar age who were never as beautiful. It's something about trying to look very young as they get pretty darn old, and being photographed constantly (which means more very good pictures and more very bad ones). The first of the two problems is probably the main one.

Severn said...

the hideously left-wing Terminator movies

Huh?

Truth said...

"Isn't Brigitte Nielsen the same woman who much later in life ended up on at least one reality show in a relationship with some ignorant yet nice black guy straight out of the ghetto?"

WHISKEY'S RIGHT,...SEE..HAAA-HAAAAAA!

The Lucky Winner said...

Called it in your previous post!

Anonymous said...

"WHISKEY'S RIGHT,...SEE..HAAA-HAAAAAA!"

"Nice" black guy, man. Come on, get your head in the game. Whiskey does not say anything like that.

Wes said...

Great post, thanks. This sounds like the kind of trick Arnold would play. He may be a bit psychopathic. In Pumping Iron, he bragged about how he would lie to friends who were also competitors. He would deliberately mislead them in order to get a competitive advantage. I believe he did that with Lou Ferigno, Franco Columbo and some trusting kid he encouraged to scream during the kid's bodybuilding poses on stage, in order to make a mockery of the kid.

So yes, I can totally see him doing this. He's not that smart, but he does think about how to manipulate others in a way most of us don't.

Sid said...

After you watch Pumping Iron and read his infamous interview in Oui, none of these things really come as a surprise...

Anonymous said...

The pictures of the nanny are astonishing. She seems to be the antithesis of Ms Kennedy-Schriver, who looks the archetypal 'social x-ray' to borrow Tom Wolfe's memorable term.

Food for a Freufian convention there.

Gilbert Pinfold.

Formerly.JP98 said...

"the hideously left-wing Terminator movies"

Please explain.

Darwin's Sh*tlist said...

I actually have fond memories of seeing Cobra and Arnold's Raw Deal, which came out around the same time. The dialog was so awful my friends & I got more than our money's worth making fun of them for weeks afterwards.

Formerly.JP98 said...

"The pictures of the nanny are astonishing. She seems to be the antithesis of Ms Kennedy-Schriver, who looks the archetypal 'social x-ray' to borrow Tom Wolfe's memorable term."

I had to google her picture after reading that. I'm speechless.

Anonymous said...

Oops, Freudian slip above.
GP

Dahlia said...

Sent this to my husband who watched Red Sonja the other day (he really loves movies that are so awful they're good). During it he turned to me saying he saw a little bit of her at some roast and that she was possibly the filthiest woman he'd ever heard in his life.

I've been wanting to see "The Bostonians" with him, but with fare like "Red Sonja" around... I've been waiting since Valentine's Day :(

Anonymous said...

Rocky Balboa knocked out Ivan Drago (Soviet boxer) and Mr. T (black guy). Does that make him racist and xenophobic?

Polistra said...

The 'account' from Maria's view reminds me of the rule of thumb that tells you when you need to replace a belt with suspenders. "If the belt buckle points downward, the pants will fall downward. Time for suspenders."

Similar rule used by females: "If the man is up and his career path points upward, stay on him. When his path starts to point downward, fall off."

Steve Sailer said...

"but he was also Rocky and Rambo, two iconic American characters."

I'd agree Stallone is the greater artist. His script for "Rocky" was likely the most influential screenplay of the 1970s.

agnostic said...

"Arnold went on to make a bunch of forgettable movies, including the hideously left-wing Terminator movies"

Only if you mean the ones after 1985, i.e. Terminator 2, which was overly PC.

But the original Terminator movie is better than all of the Rocky and Rambo movies combined, as good as some of them are. The storytelling is on par with the Bible, the visuals overwhelm the senses, and the soundtrack echos the picture perfectly, from dread to hope to triumph.

Anonymous said...

SteveHis script for "Rocky" was likely the most influential screenplay of the 1970s.

Steve, why do you say that? The story of the unknown underdog putting up a challenge to the champion goes back before we were using fire. It's not too hard to see some movie in the mid-1970s being made along the same lines or damn close to it.

And anyway, Stallone's original script was vastly different from what was filmed. As in, darker. Sly's original vision of Balboa was a lot more of an anti-hero: he was going to take a dive in the bout with Creed. In that sense Stallone was merely doing what most American filmmakers of the Nixon-Ford years were doing--cynical, antiheroic, and revisonist potshots at the American Dream.

What turned the screenplay on its head was the real-life fight between Ali and Chuck "The Bayonne Bleeder" Wepner. And who forced Stallone to do it? The ones everybody likes to say stifle genius and creativity: THE SUITS.

The Ali-Wepner bout inspired them to force the changes to fit the old David-Goliath trope, which suddenly seemed more marketable. Rocky became a man nobody was going to pay to throw a fight because nobody believed he stood a chance against the champ to begin with. With that change, you could still have Apollo Creed be a noble (although overconfident) character, and all the while make a film that was as believable as it was inspiring.

And that did change everything. With Rocky as filmed, you then had Star Wars, you had Superman, you had the whole return-to-optimism that characterized the top-grossing films of the late 70s and beyond, and heralded the advent of the Reagan years.

But it was the Hollywood suits, not Stallone, that saw the potential in going back to the old storytelling conventions and giving audiences something to cheer wildly about.

Steve Sailer said...

Thanks.

Formerly.JP98 said...

"Terminator 2, which was overly PC."

I struggling to remember what about T2 was overly PC aside from having a black lead scientist.

Anonymous said...

The Terminator films were not left-wing, unless you think that Skynet is an allegory for GOP. It's about a computer that starts a nuclear war because it wants humans out of the way. Even the angry feminism of Linda Hamilton's character in the second film isn't celebrated, she's clearly portrayed as half-crazy (maybe more) in the context of the story. The first Terminator film is one the best constructed science fiction stories ever put to film.

Kiwiguy said...

***I believe he did that with Lou Ferigno, Franco Columbo and some trusting kid he encouraged to scream during the kid's bodybuilding poses on stage, ***

Remember a lot of the stuff in Pumping Iron was exaggerated to heighten the drama. For instance, Ken Waller didn't really hide Mike Katz' shirt.

I had read that story about Arnie setting up Stallone with Neilson somewhere else. Their rivalry is quite interesting, I'd recommend 'Fantastic' by Lawrence Leamer & also Wendy Leigh's unauthorised biography 'Arnold' (which according to Leamer, Stallone helped with). I understand they're on better terms these days.

Anonymous said...

I was actually quite surprised when i saw pictures of the woman he had a child with. I didn't think she was the least bit attractive.

Anonymous said...

Steve,
In case you haven't seen the purported pictures of the nanny/love-child baby mama:

http://egotastic.com/2011/05/arnold-schwarzenegger-love-baby-mama-revealed/

Anonymous said...

Steve, you are so naive.

Maria Shriver WAS the actual governor of CA on her pet issues. That was their deal. She had him by the balls.

And of course it all becomes public now that he's out of office. He probably gave up on the dream of potus or president of the north american union due to the birth related acrimony surrounding obama this spring ... and told Maria there would be no future runs for higher office ... and so then she goes straight to the divorce lawyer because there is no longer a reason to remain his wife.

That's hardball politics i.e. reality.

Anonymous said...

Geez, at least Tiger Woods got some good-looking babes. Maybe Arnold needs some hormone injections. Maybe Tiger can supply him with some.

Anonymous said...

I think it's unfair to characterize Arnold as a 'musclehead' or 'muscledude' or 'musclewhatever'. He's actually a very charming, savvy, and smart guy. He was a riot in PUMPING IRON, quick with his wits as big with his muscle. It's too bad that Hollywood mainly used him as a muscle man or colorless robot. He has a very engaging natural personality and could have been a more versatile star. He might have done okay as a politician too if he'd been elected governor of Cal in the 60s, 70s, 80s, or early 90s. But he became governor when Cal was no longer governable.

Anonymous said...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5WowEpH_bck

At Sly's crib.

Anonymous said...

"Steve, you are so naive.
Maria Shriver WAS the actual governor of CA on her pet issues. That was their deal. She had him by the balls."

But evidently not by the dick.

jody said...

eh. predator was better than first blood, which is the only good rambo movie, and was based on a book. well, it was the only good rambo movie until the 2008 rambo which was also good. james cameron had a hand in both predator and first blood part 2: rambo, extending the mark he left on action movie culture even further.

predator is seriously a touchstone of 80s action movies, it's referenced way more now by guys than rambo is. i remember a few years ago howard stern raving about predator and how he watched it once a month. there might be no more manly scene EVER than...well, pick a scene from predator, it's just an over the top ridiculous volcano of testosterone and one liners. dutch arm wrestles apollo creed, future governor jesse ventura accuses his team of being a bunch of slackjawed faggots, then explains that he ain't got time to bleed, the list goes on. highly, highly quotable stuff. who could forget the coup de grace. "Get to the choppa!"

rambo turned into kind of a generic action franchise like lethal weapon, with rambo himself becoming kind of a punchline and guys going around telling other guys to "Settle down, Rambo." got lampooned in weird al's 1989 movie UHF, and by stallone himself in tango & cash.

Jane said...

future governor jesse ventura

Eh?

Anonymous said...

Crazy gentiles.

Svigor said...

I actually have fond memories of seeing Cobra and Arnold's Raw Deal, which came out around the same time. The dialog was so awful my friends & I got more than our money's worth making fun of them for weeks afterwards.

Raw Deal was an awful Chicago movie. At least, I think it was a Chicago movie. It has a lot of the same old recycled Chicago actors, IIRC, the telltale sign.

Cobra, on the other hand, was wonderfully cheesy, with all those great villains, and Stallone playing the oleaginous Italian thing right to the hilt. The bit where he rips the greaser's shirt and says "clean up your act" is hilarious.

Svigor said...

But the original Terminator movie is better than all of the Rocky and Rambo movies combined, as good as some of them are. The storytelling is on par with the Bible, the visuals overwhelm the senses, and the soundtrack echos the picture perfectly, from dread to hope to triumph.

There just aren't many sci-fi movies as good as Terminator. I'd be much happier with the series if it had lived up to the first film.

Cameron was had a dream and designed the endoskeleton himself based upon it. That's just cool.

Like Lucas, he got a bit deranged/fat after making it huge in H-wood, going back and "improving" his films by making them inferior.

Svigor said...

I've always been impressed by how Stallone wrote Rocky, and then refused to sell it for a hundred grand or whatever it was while his career was going nowhere, and would only agree to the movie being made if he was the star. That's pretty cool, too, rather similar in a way to how Cameron did art on Terminator.

Svigor said...

I read somewhere that the predator suit in Predator was initially to be worn by Jean-Claude van Damme, and the predator was going to be agile and acrobatic, not huge and imposing. But van Damme didn't work out. Apparently he complained too much about the suit, too hot, too confining, and he injured another stunt man "on purpose." Also, runty van Damme was looking ridiculous next to guys like Ventura. Talk about your happy accidents.

Should I bring up Sonny Landham's absolutely nutty politics? Ventura and Schwarzenegger weren't the only actors on that location with political aspirations.

Oh, and the "nerd" of the group, the guy with glasses, is Shane Black. He got the part as a reward for a script he wrote, maybe Lethal Weapon? He apparently wanted to be an actor, not a writer.

Svigor said...

As for left-wing, well, there is something a bit radical about scene where an unstoppable badass takes out an entire police precinct. I think that's a fantasy that transcends the left-right spectrum, to an extent. But on balance it does seem more lefty than righty.

And there's quite the Luddite tone to the fear that the machines we create are going to exterminate us. The Unabomber probably would have liked Terminator, if he could relax long enough. But again, the Unabomber kinda transcended the left-right spectrum, even if, again, he was probably more left than right.

Whiskey said...

Oh yes, yes yes yes. Roissy has brought around Steve to the darkside!

Whiskey said...

Over at Ace of Spades, they are saying that Arnold was a RINO-Dem. Proof? The LAT killed the Arnold illegitimate kid story.