March 6, 2013

Breaking News: "Oberlin announces campus security to be bolstered by 'Django Patrols'"

Artist's conception of
Oberlin's new security force
OBERLIN, OH -- After a spate of nationally publicized racist hate crimes during February's Black History Month, which runs until March 10th on this progressive campus, Oberlin College announced today that it was bolstering campus security with "Django Patrols." Unemployed black victims of structural racism are being bused in from Cleveland, handed six-shooters, and told to shoot first, ask questions later if they see any white racists.

The response among experts was highly positive.

Wayne LaPierre, head of the National Rifle Association, replied, "Now that's the kind of proactive institutional creativity we've been talking about: pro-gun sales pro-responsible gun ownership and anti-racism! What could possibly go wrong?"

Quentin Tarantino, who won a Best Writer Oscar last week for his screenplay of Django Unchained, faxed back a hand-printed note reading, "Im like wow! Remember that seen in Balcazars awsome spahggeti westurn Jesse Doe'snt Forgiv - He KKKill!? Well, this is just like that only like mor so, you now?!"

Oberlin grad Lena Dunham, star of HBO's "Girls," used all of Twitter's 140 character limit to enthuse, "Hey Obies, Oberlin's diverse anti-patriarchal revolutionary yet comfortable and accepting climate is treasured forever in my heart, but ar"

Articulate movie star Christoph Waltz, who earned the Best Supporting Actor Academy Award for playing Django Freeman's mentor in mayhem, Dr. King Schultz, issued a quadrilingual statement of praise that, unfortunately, exceeded in size all available disk storage options. Requests for a manageable excerpt had not been returned as of press time, despite multiple calls to Waltz's longtime publicist, Christopher Dorner.

23 comments:

Anonymous said...

Pretty good, though spoiled by the Tarantino. He's not *that* stupid.

x said...

coming soon to the onion, new writer and editor Steve Sailer

Anonymous said...

The USG should just open death camps for whites and get over it.

Anonymous said...

LOL! That's classic Sailer!

Josh said...

The joke is that tarantino is dislexic and does not read, not that he is stupid.

Anonymous said...

http://www.amren.com/news/2013/03/african-americans-y-chromosome-sparks-shift-in-evolutionary-timetable/

Dennis Dale said...

Tarantino isn't that stupid, but 90% of his audience is. Like Chris Farley here (they're always saying "remember that part where [insert gratuitous violent scene]? That was cool!"):

http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x7ms90_saturday-night-live-the-chris-farle_fun?search_algo=2#.UTfSltbqmSo

Chicago said...

They'd better be careful when firing at someone wearing white sheets. Most likely they'd end up shooting an FBI employee. All those groups are rife with agents. Back in the day the CP-USA was on the verge of extinction due to loss of interest and the FBI saw to it that it was kept going, all the better to keep tabs on those who might be interested. Sometimes the leaders themselves are the agents.

Tony said...

Thanks for the laugh!

Mercer said...

Off Topic

I went to the Nation's website to see if they had anything about Rand Paul's filibuster. I saw nothing about Paul but read an article about guest workers in PA that should interest you and your readers.

http://www.thenation.com/blog/173217/mcdonalds-guest-workers-stage-surprise-strike

Marlowe said...

Japanese cos-player shot dead by Django patrol at Oberlin: shocked friends said he had no idea Klan outfit unacceptable. 'He treasured it almost as much as his Waffen SS officer's uniform,' sobbed one.

Marlowe said...

Oberlin Civil War Historical Re-enactment Society cancels planned battle. Told the press it doesn't want to make its Confederate troops 'a target'.

Dennis Dale said...

Attendees at a toga party were all placed on double secret probation. Notify their draft boards they're all eligible for military service. Womyn too.

anony-mouse said...

Why complain about what's going on at Oberlin?

1/ The more time Obies spend chasing down non-existent Klansmen (or Klanswomen) the less time they can spend on something destructive.

And its not like other University students are always doing sensible things.

2/ Why can't you let them have their fun? Most of them will graduate with high debts and poor job prospects.

If they spent their time pickling their livers like normal kids, you might end up paying for it.

3/ Oberlin is a private University so no one here is spending money directly on their education. And since their lefty parents are picking up part of the tab for this nonsense-well isn't that a good thing?

Anonymous said...

Breaking News: Modern Druid mistakenly shot dead by black campus activist.

"Well, he shouldn't have been wearing those colors on our turf,dawg." the activist is reported as saying.He followed up by launching into a tirade against the campus police for violating his rights by questioning him about the details of the shooting.

Mary Cuntington,dean of the college, had this to say,"I am appalled that our campus security would create a hostile environment for black students in this manner. It is stupefying, and we will be working with campus and law enforcement officials to ensure that it NEVER happens again."

Anonymous said...

I saw nothing about Paul but read an article about guest workers in PA that should interest you and your readers.

http://www.thenation.com/blog/173217/mcdonalds-guest-workers-stage-surprise-strike


That's the notorious "J-1" visa. Steve has covered it before for a similar story involving the Hershey's plant in Pennsylvania:

http://isteve.blogspot.com/2011/08/j-1-visas-not-doing-jobs-americans.html

It's a scammy visa. It seems to be misleadingly marketed as "cultural enrichment" to naive foreign kids who think they're going to get to experience the "cool American kids" experience but end up doing monotonous labor in deindustrialized, depressed lower class areas.

Ray Sawhill said...

Onion-worthy.

Anonymous said...

I found some interesting facts about Oberlin College on Wikipedia. The President of the college is Marvin Krislov who is distinguished with many community services such as "activities include leadership positions in the Washtenaw County Jewish Foundation" and "the American Anthropological Association's Project Advisory Board on Race and Human Variation". Oh Goody!

Oberlin College has an outstanding Teacher-Administrator to Student ratio. The college has a staff of 1058 to serve 2900 students. Less than 3:1 where MIT compares at about 11:1.

Bring on the MOOCs!

Anonymous said...

So effective have the Django Patrols been at suppressing the manifestations of racism on the Oberlin campus that the patriarchal forces have redirected their reactionary efforts. While KKK-sightings have been stopped completely since the deployment of the Django Patrols, campus rapes have increased five-fold. Victims have been able to describe their only as "youths," and as Oberlin's student body is composed almost entirely of persons between the ages of 18 and 23, this has failed to narrow the field of suspects.

Anonymous said...

Most of [the O'Berliners] will graduate with high debts and poor job prospects.

Let's hope they don't actually get hired as Human Resources Directors where they can blacklist your children.

jody said...

lol.

Maxwell Power said...

At college a couple of decades back it was amusing to discover some mild local dissension as to the university-employed cops being prohibited from carrying firearms. The school's physical plant was, quite by design, secluded to high ground in the "historic" suburb, i.e. a relatively safe neighborhood, and anyway well within the downtown station's abilities to serve & protect. Most students and staff seemed not to have an opinion either way, but naturally the campus cops did want guns so it kept coming up, with the veto soon predictably to follow.

I could never figure out who was behind it. Once I heard another undergrad, attempting to summarize the pros/cons debated over the years, mention the notional concern about "international students from places where the sight of armed guards is discomfiting"--an excuse which I found very funny, but surely a cover for the real opposition. We had our own local quarterly version of The Onion called The George Street Journal at the time and I remember one of their headlines, a personal favorite: "Gregorian approves 'some guns' for campus police"

Anonymous said...

I believe University of Chicago is noteworthy for their police force. That said, still a lot of muggings there.