February 6, 2014

The ideal Winter Olympics event

More quadrennial content repurposification:
My ideal Winter Olympic event 
The problem with most of the Winter Games events is that only one person or team competes at a time. That's because it's so slippery out there that catastrophes could ensue if athletes competed directly. So, the events end up with play-by-plays like this: 
"And there goes Schievenhoffel! He's going really fast. Man, he's flying! He's very quick! Wow, he's fast! Fast, fast, fast! And there's his time: oh, well, he just wasn't quite fast enough..." 
What I'd like to see is the Mass Downhill -- all the skiers line up side by on top of the mountain and the first one, no holds barred, to the bottom gets the gold. Whacking each other with ski poles is not only allowed, but encouraged.

Over the years, they've added a number of sports coming closer to my specifications, such as snowboard cross (remember when the American girl only had to stay upright to win the gold but she couldn't resist hot-dogging?) and short-track speed skating. 

I'm sorry to hear that Apolo Anton Ohno has hung up his skates. Every four years, you'd see him out there elegantly skating in ovals for two minutes concluded by ten seconds of absolute chaos that always seemed to end with him triumphantly crawling on his hands and knees over the bodies of a couple of fallen South Korean skaters to grab a medal. Then the Koreans would go berserk over how Ohno always getting a medal of some kind was obviously a Nippo-American plot against Korea. They may have had a point, but it was fun TV. 
   

22 comments:

5371 said...

In Vancouver, homo-sceptical countries collected only about 10% of the medals. Compare that with about 40% in London. So the winter games were always a logical choice for a homo offensive.

Oswald Spengler said...

LOL @ "homo-skeptical."

What's the antonym?

"Homo-credulous"?

Auntie Analogue said...


I'd like to see the Biathlon abandon the sophisticated .22 caliber target rifles and instead require skiers to tote and fire their country's standard service rifle, at ranges varying from 50 to 400 yards. Pistol shooting could be added to this service rifle Biathlon (making it the Triathlon?), or held as a separate handgun Biathlon. Then why not a sporting clays 12 ga. shotgun biathlon?

Perhaps grenade-throwing or rifle grenade firing should also be included (with lesser explosive charges than actual combat grenades, and, of course, without fragmentation components, but with competition grenade rounds of the same weight and ballistic characteristics of their combat parallels). These measures would certainly ramp up the excitement of the Biathlon.

Maybe there could also be a light machine gun Biathlon, with two-man teams - one man to shoot & the other to serve the automatic weapon. In this scheme the arrival of one competitor at the firing line would force him to await the arrival of his teammate to serve or to aim & fire the weapon. Perhaps there might also be a mortar team Biathlon, or an infantry anti-tank missile Biathlon.

These variations would make it interesting to compare the speeds and scores of male and female teams. Then we would enjoy another rousing public debate on the wisdom, or unwisdom, of committing female troops to actual combat.

Albert said...

It's not (yet) an Olympic event, but the Red Bull sponsored Crashed Ice competition sounds like just the sport you envisioned.

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry to hear that Apolo Anton Ohno has hung up his skates. Every four years, you'd see him out there elegantly skating in ovals for two minutes concluded by ten seconds of absolute chaos that always seemed to end with him triumphantly crawling on his hands and knees over the bodies of a couple of fallen South Korean skaters to grab a medal. Then the Koreans would go berserk over how Ohno always getting a medal of some kind was obviously a Nippo-American plot against Korea. They may have had a point, but it was fun TV.

Yeah, it was kinda like professional wrestling, with some silly drama outside the rink involving a conspiracy against Korea. You knew what was going to happen, the fun was watching how it was going to unfold.

Hunsdon said...

Auntie Analogue said: I'd like to see the Biathlon abandon the sophisticated .22 caliber target rifles and instead require skiers to tote and fire their country's standard service rifle, at ranges varying from 50 to 400 yards.

Hunsdon said: At least they're still using real firearms in the biathlon. Modern pentathlon went to air pistols a while back.

Ah yes.

Perhaps my favorite Olympics story involves the 1912 modern pentathlon and some Army dude named George Patton.

While most competitors were using .22 LRs, Patton decided to man up and packed his service pistol, a Colt Army Special .38.

Like the hepcats say, rtwt.


<a href="http://www.wired.com/playbook/2012/08/george-s-patton-pentathlete/>Wired on Patton</a>

SGOTI said...

The "Mass Downhill" is really just the "Chinese Downhill" ("Wadda the @#$% isa 'Chinese Downhill'?") from the timeless '80s T&A ski classic (so wrongly snubbed by the Academy). Yes, "Hot Dog: The Movie".

Anonymous said...

Snowball fight

Pomo sculpturing to scare rich white girls

Synchronized skating

Ice wall climbing

Anonymous said...

The only decent winter Olympic sport is female skating. Good figures, slim, graceful and wearing sexy underwear and skirts. About the only female sport ugly mannish lesbians don't dominate.

Power Child said...

If you've got Twitter, I encourage you to start tagging #Tanzania2020 to these sample twitterings:

Let's make 2020 the year the Olympics finally goes to Africa!

Let's bring the Olympics to Tanzania in 2020!

Tanzania deserves an Olympics. Diversity! Equality!

Doesn't Africa deserve an Olympics by now?

Let Tanzania show the world how it's done! Olympics, take note...

Diversity is alive in vibrant Tanzania! Bring the Olympics there!

roundeye said...

Put barrel jumping back in the Olympics.

Anonymous said...

Yes the single athlete timed competitions are very boring to watch. Short track skating is more fun to watch.

I agree that actual racing would be more interesting. Not just for skiing, but for all the racing events. Imagine bobsledding and luge on a big track with multiple racers. It would be incredibly exciting.

countenance said...

If I could go to the WOs and only could go to one event, I'd go to short track. Just to be able to see a big wipeout.

I remember back in 2010 I was watching short track on TV, and it showed the train coming head on, with J.R. Celski in the lead. Some Korean was right on his backside, and it looked like Celski mouthed off, "get off my ass, you f**king gook."

Anonymous said...

Google and its gay stuff.
Micro-progressive antics. So annoying.

Nudge nudge, wink wink, get it, get it?

Anonymous said...

"Doesn't Africa deserve an Olympics by now?"

The bill will have to be footed by the West.

Luke Lea said...

They do that in some of the women's snowboarding events I saw on tv last week, the x games in Aspen.

Anonymous said...

I remember back in 2010 I was watching short track on TV, and it showed the train coming head on, with J.R. Celski in the lead. Some Korean was right on his backside, and it looked like Celski mouthed off, "get off my ass, you f**king gook."

Celski is half-filipino.

Anonymous said...

http://on.wsj.com/1eC1VUM

Reflections on why a region in Norway has so many Olympic gold medalists. They specialize in cross country skiing and biathlon.

I suspect a genetic component, despite all the talk about environment.

Mr. Anon said...

The ideal Winter Olympics event?

Synchronized Judy-Garland-impersonation disco-dancing on ice.

pat said...

Sensible people avoid snow and ice. That's why we both live in California where snow is optional.

So for me there's always something arbitrary about winter sports. Cavorting outside in the snow seems silly. Winter is the time to catch up on your reading or a time to remember the recipe for Hot Buttered Rum.

You can make up an infinite number of goofy sports - and that's just what "Wide World of Sports" did very week. Who can ever forget 'Figure 8 Racing'?

Jim McKay used to feature John Misha Petkovich (sic) often. He was by far the most entertaining figure skater of all time. He skated at a higher rate of speed than anyone before or since. He spun faster and he jumped higher but he never could manage to remain vertical for the whole performance. Every week he ended up on his twat.

There's much to recommend landing on your twat. I saw Nureyev dance once. He landed on his twat that night and he defected the next day. Unforgettable.

Albertosaurus

Mr. Anon said...

"Anonymous said...

The only decent winter Olympic sport is female skating. Good figures, slim, graceful and wearing sexy underwear and skirts. About the only female sport ugly mannish lesbians don't dominate."

And the performances, accompanied by music, are completely drowned out and ruined by the running commentary provided by bitchy gay guys who enjoy criticizing the little ice-princesses.

Anonymous said...

Bandy is long overdue to be a Winter Olympic sport:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bandy

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KUaxDB0ea3M