The International Olympic Committee today announced that the Modern Pentathlon -- an Olympic event that tests five skills a young officer would have needed to succeed as a courier during the Napoleonic Wars: fencing, shooting, swimming, horseback riding, and running -- will be replaced at the 2012 London Summer Games by the Postmodern Pentathlon, which will test the skills crucial to delivering a message in the 21st Century:
- Cellphoning while riding in an elevator
- Staying on message
- Being ubiquitous in the media
- Taking offense
Medal favorites include Mischa Saakashvili, Morris Dees, Karl Rove, and David Brock.