Here is the text of former President Barack Obama's farewell address, which he delivered before departing in the interstellar battlecruiser that had landed near the Washington Monument on Friday morning:
I am both surprised and deeply humbled by the decision of the Directorate of the Milky Way to honor me by naming me Galactic Overlord.
Let me be clear. I do not view my apotheosis as Supreme Imperator of the Nine Million Subjugated Planets as a recognition of my own accomplishments.
Rather, it is an affirmation of Milky Wayling leadership on behalf of aspirations held by sentient life-forms across the entire local cluster of galaxies.
To be honest, I do not feel that I deserve to be in the company of so many of the transformative figures who've been honored by the Galactic Overlordship, the men, the women, the self-fertilizing clones, the androids, the telepathic hive minds, and the cybernetic avatars who've inspired me (during the half hour I've been aware of their existence) and inspired the entire galaxy through their courageous pursuit of extending the Milky Way's hegemony over the Lesser Magellanic Cloud.
But I also know that my aggrandizement reflects the kind of cosmos that all Milky Waylings want to build, a trans-galactic imperium that gives life to the promise of our founding documents, such as, uh, that gold-plated recording of Johnny B. Goode that Carl Sagan shot out of the solar system on a space probe ... plus, no doubt, some other stuff.
And I know (at least since my conversation with Grand Vizier Xzqhtpv fifteen minutes ago) that throughout history the Overlordship has not just been used to honor specific achievement; it's also been used as a means to give momentum to a set of causes, such as the utter enslavement and/or annihilation of the Andromeda Galaxy.
And that is why I will accept exaltation to Supreme Imperator, as I've accepted so many promotions in the past, not just as a convenient career move, not merely as a way to continue to fail upward (although I do wish to extend my sincerest hope to the Altgeld Gardens community that somebody will finally get them organized for a change; yet, let us never forget, I did help get some of the asbestos removed), but as a call to action, a call for, uh ... can we back up the Teleprompter here? ... a call for all higher species to confront the common challenges facing the Galactic Empire in its 3,452nd eon of prepotency.
Indeed.
And to those doubters who whisper that I'm no more qualified for my new responsibilities than I was to chair the Chicago Annenberg Challenge, that my tenure as Galactic Overlord will prove as ineffectual as all my previous careers at accomplishing anything besides stoking my vanity, that I will soon require yet another promotion to sidestep the looming consequences of my inevitable mediocrity at my latest job, let me remind them that David Axelrod is already spinning my image in infinite parallel universes.
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20 comments:
Tom Lehrer said that "Irony died the day they gave Henry Kissinger the Nobel Peace Prize." What will the award of the same prize to Mr O kill? Sanity? Hope? Several hundred randomly selected Afghans and Pakistanis? I'm suspecting it's all of the above.
Obama, the first post-planetary president.
For the first time in my life, I'm proud of my galaxy.
Ah, yes, I see you are getting the manipulatory intent of this award now.
Who knew we had elected Cthulhu president? But then, why choose a lesser evil?
This is just taking it too far.
WTF
Meanwhile, back in the real world the Nobel Laureate did not utter a peep of protest when the Honduran military junta bombarded the Brazilian embassy with tear gas. In fact, the Nobel Laureate is sending money to the junta as fast as backdoor channels will allow.
OK, Steve, inquiring geeks want to know. Did you look up the names of those galaxies? Exactly how much science fiction have you consumed over the years?
Here is the latest in "War is Peace" thinking from our newest Nobel Peace Prize Laureate.
Let's waste blood and treasure in a half-assed fight with the Taliban so that we can finally turn the Taliban into Hezbollah.
You might of heard of Hezbollah. There that militia in southern Lebanon that cannot be disarmed or controlled by the central government of Lebanon.
Don't even worry about clearly defined objectives. I'm sure Barry at the helm, we will have some concrete criteria that will make it obvious to everyone when the Taliban equals Hezbollah and what exactly that means.
Steve, this is the stuff of legend.
However, you should have submitted it to McSweeney's instead of posting it here.
"throughout history the Galactic Overlordship has not just been used to honor specific achievement; it's also been used as a means to give momentum to a set of causes, such as the total enslavement and/or annihilation of the Andromeda Galaxy."
(It's a cookbook!)
(It's a cookbook!)
Nice "Outer Limits" reference. But seriously, are we getting nostalgic for Zaphod Beeblebrox already?
OT
The Black Party at it again.
The Support of Corruption by The Congressional Black Caucus
Posted by: Curt @ 12:29 pm in Congress, Culture of Corruption, Politics | 209 views
First there was a resolution to take a privilege away from a member of Congress due to his corrupt behavior:
Don't blame me. I voted for Kodos.
Steve,
It's time to hear from the biologists on this phenomenon of modern man's (and woman's) capitulation, then outright embracing of political correctness.
Are we playing host to a parasite manipulating us?
This just has to have a biological explanation. Calling all biologists!!! HELP! We've been mind-snatched.
Steve - this is hilarious. You still trying to write any sitcoms?
Roissy kindly posted a link to a pic of the Nobel Committe.Theyre BLACK! Just kiddin'! But... at least 4 of the 5 members pee sitting down.
And the 2010 Grammy award for best new artist goes to ....
-Kevin Federline!
Obama better save money for the next gas bill cause those massive douche chills are going to take quite some heating.
What will the award of the same prize to Mr O kill?
Wit, evidently.
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