May 18, 2011

Pawlenty for President!

Many people think former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty will be elected President in 2012 because they can't remember ever hearing anything bad about him. Others think he won't be elected President because they can't remember ever hearing anything good about him. Most people, however, can't remember ever hearing anything about him. 

I therefore challenged my readers to tell me something interesting about Tim Pawlenty so I could remember who he is.

Bruce Lewis replied:
One time back in the '80s the Paw (we called him "the Paw") was sitting around in this bar in Olangapo with us, you know, having a few beers and whatnot, when suddenly we hear this ruckus from up front and we're all like "what the f--k?" We look up and there's this Flip pimp and he's got this thirteen-year-old whore by the hair and he was just, like, whaling on her. He's trying to do her some damage but he's about 98 pounds sopping wet and she's whaling him back. She was one of those strong street whores and she was giving him back, punch for punch, screaming, and so forth. It went on like this for a minute or two, when suddenly that whore draws back and nails him right in the eye with one of those scary Filipino fingernails, and, man, the blood went everywhere. That pimp like fell back and then reached down and pulled out a knife.  
Paw puts his beer down and walks over and grabs that pimp by his knife hand, and that pimp jerked back and turned around and said "Man, I cut you, I got a knife." Paw, man, he doesn't move, he just says "F--k you and f--k your knife" in that Minnesota accent. That pimp starts to jab at him, then Paw just reaches out and slaps him in the face. Right in the face, like you'd slap a bitch! Well, we all jump up and get ready to rock, but nobody moves, then, I sh--t you not, that little Flip falls on the floor of that bar and starts crying! Crying, like a girl! Paw reaches down, takes the knife, and walks back to the table, like nothing, picks up his San Miguel and finishes it. Man, we busted a gut laughing. 
About that time, though, that thirteen year old whore had gotten up and picked up a beer stein off the bar, one of those big, heavy glass steins. She comes over to where that pimp is crying on the floor and lifts that stein as high as she could and then busts that stein right over the top of that pimp's head.  
Bam! Blood and glass flying everywhere! That pimp went down like a column of wet s--t. The whore screaming in Tagalog, that pimp laying on the floor in his own blood, and here come the Shore Patrols.  
They ask us what happened. Paw just says "Nothin', man," and walks out of there with that pimp's knife, laughing his ass off. 
He still has that knife. True f--king story, no s--t.

Okay, that's interesting. 

Granted, the Paw was never in the Navy, much less on shore leave in the Philippines, but that doesn't really matter, because from now on I'll at least be able to remember who he is. He's the Presidential candidate who still has that pimp's knife.

46 comments:

Wes said...

LOL that was awesome writing. I'd read a book like that.

Anonymous said...

Pawlenty will be very competitive with African-American young male voters.

Anonymous said...

Pawlenty the Pimp.

Big bill said...

What's the difference between a Sea Story and a Fairy Tale?

A Fairy Tale starts out, "Once upon a time ...".

A Sea Story starts out, "Now this is no shit, man, but when I was in Olangapao in 1986 ...".

Hence the sailor's traditional nickname for a Sea Story: a "No Shitter".

Pacé Dennis Dale (or whoever wrote the no shitter you posted).

Matt G. said...

Tim Pawlenty. Yawn.

Inkraven said...

Well to be perfectly fair, we didn't know anything about the Mocha Messiah before we elected him, either. So maybe it's not that much of a handicap.

Carol said...

Yawn.


That was the point.

Jehu said...

He's the 2nd least bad candidate on the immigration issue (Bachmann has the best grade) according to Numbers USA. Also, he's been to Hispanic gatherings and refused to pander to them (some of his quotes on NumbersUSA from said gatherings). So I hate those two the least of the Republican field right now.

Lewis W said...

"Many people think former Minnesota governor Tim Pawlenty will be elected President in 2012 because they've never heard anything interesting about him. "

-Worked for the Messiah in Chief...

Dennis Dale said...

Pacé Dennis Dale (or whoever wrote the no shitter you posted).

I wish.

From here on "Pawlenty" should be spoken in the same fashion as "Bill Brasky?!"

Will I be teased again if I suggest a competition for best Pawlenty yarn? Maybe a pass-off format, so you'd have to pick up Bruce's narrative:
"...then T Paw disappears for a minute before turning up out front blasting the horn on a hot-wired Jeepney. We spilled out into the street laughing, the sound of the disgraced pimp wailing in the background..."

Dennis Dale said...

President Pawlenty still keeps that pimp's knife in his desk in the Oval Office...

Gander J said...

Set it in Indonesia or Hawaii, and hint that the pimp is a young Obama, and you've got a good campaign story there....

Dennis Dale said...

There's a genius piece from the old Nat'l Lampoon, something like "fantasies of the political class";
the only one I remember was Nixon's; in terse detective-novel language he describes besting a biker in a bar fight over the attentions of Betty Ford. "He catches me with a left hook. I figure it's all he's got..."

Daybreaker said...

So: Kerry is the one with the magic hat, Pawlenty is the one with the pimp knife.

(The flagon with the dragon ... the vessel with the pestle...)

Got it. Seared, seared in my memory.

It was Christmas in Olangapo, and as American servicemen were facing death taking on the Viet Pimp, Nixon was denying that they were even there.

Anonymous said...

Pawlenty is shaped by the affordable family formation of his state

his politics take for granted that affordable family formation

if he were a california republican he'd have to face the issue more head on

First of all, for whites with very high income or with high levels of inherited wealth, California is a spectacular place to have a large family. Outstanding year round weather, excellent private schools, etc. Spend some time in Santa Barbara or La Jolla and see what a wonderful family lifestyle is available there.

Second of all, for middle class college educated whites who wish to remain childless, California also offers something really special. You can live a very satisfying lifestyle on the typical income of a college educated white person. Rental apartments are plentiful in most nice California communities, and places like Manhattan Beach or Pacific Heights offer a lifestyle that appeals to a lot of college educated single whites. For those that can't afford Manhattan Beach or pacific heights, Marina Del Rey in Los Angeles or Cow Hollow in San Francisco offer a nice and nearby alternative.

So California is fine for wealthy whites that want children, and also fine for middle class college educated whites that don't want children

These two groups continue to not only enjoy california but to flock to california from colder regions of the USA.

whites who are not rich but who still want children move from California to Minnesota

in minnesota you don't have to be rich to be able to be white and have children

Mark Caplan said...

I know that's a true story. Every word of it. Except it wasn't Pawlenty. It was Tim Geithner.

Mr. Anon said...

"Mark Caplan said...

I know that's a true story. Every word of it. Except it wasn't Pawlenty. It was Tim Geithner."

And it wasn't Olangapao. It was Marseille. And it wasn't a pimp. It was Dominique Strauss-Kahn.

Okay, it was still a pimp.

beowulf said...

Well, sounds like it could've happened. After all, Pawlenty did title his memoirs, The 48 Laws of Pimping.
http://therawness.com/48-laws-of-pimping/

I wonder if Paw put that Suzy Choosy in his stable.

Victor said...

That story sounds like a Tarantino monologue.

Harry Baldwin said...

This reminds me of one of the few David Letterman cracks that stuck with me. During the 1984 presidential race, he said, "Turns out Mondale shot a man in Reno, just to watch him die."

Kylie said...

"That story sounds like a Tarantino monologue."

I thought it sounded like something out of a Carl Hiaasen novel.

In any case, I doubt I'll ever be able to hear Pawlenty's name without thinking about cornmeal mush.

Anonymous said...

What really matters is voice and personality.

Anonymous said...

Perhaps his first year as governor, T-Paw was ceremonially out on a lake for the opening of the fishing season when he saw a small child fall from a neighboring boat. A strap from the child's life vest got tangled in the boat's propeller and the child looked like he could drown. T-Paw immediately dove into the freezing waters and rescued the child by cutting the strap with his fishing knife.

When asked about the rescue afterwards, T-Paw modestly attributed the success to always carrying his lucky knife "Ole" that he picked up while in the Navy.

I wonder, could "Ole" be that same knife that T-Paw took off of that Fillipino pimp?

Dennis Dale said...

T Paw nearly cornered the gold market from his high school "Junior Achievers" class in 1979.

Anonymous said...

Maybe the GOP should spot and groom people for presidency early on, like liberal Jews did with Obama.

If the GOP finds some fresh energetic smart charismatic white guy or girl, direct him to enter the military, arts/drama, or something of interest that will make a compelling life story. Make sure he works on his talking/acting/charisma skills. Spin a mythic narrative. Make him or her larger-than-life. The problme with Palin was it was a rush job. Had she been spotted when she was 30 and been coached, she might have been ready in 2008. But she was too naive and hee-haw.

Now, we have all these colorless politicians who might as well be clones. People don't go for that. Bush was vulnerable in 2004 but he won cuz Kerry was so colorless, like Dole in 96.

The greatest Republican president of the 20th century was Reagan and he started out as an actor. He knew and understood mass media politics.

Anonymous said...

We see right through Obama but he did fool a lot of people. Part of the reason was he masked what he really is--an uninteresting black guy with a chip on his shoulder--with familiar mythic tropes that people go ga-ga for. I doubt if most people read ZZZZZZZ FROM MY FATHER. No, what was appealing was Obama took and combined Kennedyisms, MLK-ism, Will-Smithisms, and Oprah-ism(with just a pinch of Malcolm-Xisms to give it an 'edgy' touch), and created a public persona. An Obamask in a Obuki Drama.

Then, what GOP guys need to do is create a persona by taking bits and pieces of tropes that appeal to red-blooded Americans: the styles of Eastwood, Wayne, Reagan, Teddy Roosevelt, Bronson, Newman, Marvin, Coburn, Brynner, McQueen, etc. They need to learn how to act and embody a kind of manhood, a figure of authority. They need to be tough guys and not just bland nice guys. McCain could have done a lot better had he tapped into the spirit of this movie:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ui1Mnvdj24I

Heck, he should have used its theme song at the convention.

Anonymous said...

If the GOP finds some fresh energetic smart charismatic white guy or girl..

What the hell does "charismatic" even mean in this context? By definition no Republican can ever be "charismatic", because the people controlling public opinion won't have it. By the same token President Teleprompter is only "charismatic" because his worshipers in the press say he is.

There's something distinctly unconservative about this yearning for a "Great Man", a charismatic leader, on the right.

Anonymous said...

Why don't you unearth Fred Reed, the guy who put the Sim in Semitic, so he can tell us all rousing stories about his days in the 'Nam?

Hell, if he's got a few neurons left, you might even run him for president.

Anonymous said...

sorry to disappoint, but 13 year old whores were basically nonexistent in olongapo, and i never saw nary a pimp there, and no violence toward the whores, most of whom were in their late 20s and 30s, and who carried butterfly switchblades.

Anonymous said...

Filipinos? Sure it's not Hmong? I thought Minnesota had Hmong.

Ohio Paw Paw Assoc said...

The first thing I thought of when I heard the guys name was the paw paw tree.

The Paw Paw tree produces the largest fruit (a berry) of any N.American indiginous tree. The name comes from Spanish Papaya due to the superficial resemblance of the fruit to papayas.

Paw Paw fruit taste like mangos and bananas with a relatively high protien content. They have virtually no shelf life and ripen to fermentation soon after picking which is why you don't find them in stores.

They have virtually free from infestations, disease and animals like deer. They are very low maintenance. Pollination can be difficult because of the faint odor given off. The fruit blossom order resembles rotting meat and uses flys and such that are attracted to such sent for pollination.

The paw paw tree is pretty interesting and is making a comeback of sorts.

Babe the Blue Ox said...

Minnisota also has a tradition of tall tales with Paw Bunyon.

Anonymous said...

Minnesota resident here. You want a real story to remember Pawlenty by?

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2008/05/12/minnesota-governor-tim-pa_n_101389.html

(Sorry, don't know how to embed a link.)

Boy, did he get jumped on for that one! It was clearly meant as a joke - and in my view a pretty good one - but some people took it at face value, while others said he was demeaning his wife. (His wife had no comment.)

Pawlenty is such a fresh-faced, mild-mannered, upbeat guy, you'd think nobody could hate him. You'd be wrong. The leftists here attack him with everything they've got:

http://blogs.citypages.com/blotter/2011/03/ten_reasons_to_elect_tim_pawlenty_president.php

I'd vote for him in a second. He's smart and likable, with a background in business, and his conservative/libertarian cred is pretty solid. And I very much doubt whether he has any skeletons in the closet.

Anonymous said...

If Trancedo and Hunter were solid presidential candidates for those of us with immigration as our first issue, how do the current candidates rate, and are there any unannounced politicians that would be better?

JEHU mentioned Bachmann and Pawlenty.

I'm perplexed, a perpetual condition, here in Oklahoma everyone ran against illegals, even Andrew Rice, the liberal Democratic candidate for the U.S. Senate.

goatweed

Dutch Boy said...

Pawlenty is reputed to be a Evangelical Christian, which in the American political context usually means Christian Zionist (that most obnoxious of Chimeras made of mismatched parts).

Truth said...

"Maybe the GOP should spot and groom people for presidency early on, like liberal Jews did with Obama."

Really freakin' early on, like when they put that birth announcement in the Honolulu daily when he was 4 days old.

Anonymous said...

Before we get all excited about the presidency, maybe we need to look at who or what has the real power in this country.
Much has been said about Wall Street, and of course it matters a great deal. After all, which investments and institutions get funded is decided by those who hold the purse strings. It's possible that if a liberal Jewish guy and a conservative white guy comes up with the same idea and looks for investment capital, Wall Street may favor the Jewish guy. Social networking. Maybe, maybe not.

Now, let's look at what is often called the MILITARY-INDUSTRIAL COMPLEX. What is it? How powerful is it? I really don't know, but we all know it's mega-important. People generally trace it back to the Cold War, but its real origins is in WWII(and the Depression). During the Great Depression, Capitalist and Big Money Men were on the defensive, morally and politically. FDR kept winning elections and the mood of the nation was 'rich guys are pigs'. Some feared the rise of socialist America. But with the looming war, FDR brokered a deal with the Capitalist class. Capitalists would pay higher taxes and support big government, and in turn, big government would offer sweet deals to the capitalists. So, WWII(and the military industrial complex)was the conduit between the capitalists and big government. War capitalism would also redeem the image of capitalists from greedy pigs to patriotic producers of American weaponry, steel, oil, food, and etc for victory and triumph of good over evil. Sam Wainwright in IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE turns out to be a good guy cuz his company builds stuff for the American air force fighting the 'Japs'. Not only would the military-industrial complex provide capitalists with big fat government contracts but it would make the world safe for 'free trade' and 'democracy building', which means open trade routes and penetration of world markets with US goods and investments(what the Left came to call 'neo-imperialism').

So, it was during the New Deal that the capitalists and government created the foundations of the military-industrial complex which came to loom so large. Both sides got something from the deal. Capitalists gained a much improved image as patriotic producers--"what's good for GM(or Boeing or US Steel)is good for America"--and the government collected huge tax revenues from capitalists whose opportunities expanded by working with government(which contracted out much of the projects to the 'private sector'). And even big oil and mining and world retail came to rely on the MIC cuz business environment requires stability--which oftentimes require the BIG STICK behind the soft deals.

Of course, capitalists had understood before WWII--or War capitalism or MIC--that they needed to improve their image. The Depression scared the hell out of them. But the problem was they sucked at explaining why they were good, necessary, and integral to modern society. They justified their existence in terms of 'necessary evil', as if to say, 'yes, we are shallow, vain, greedy, selfish, and trite but we know how to invest and manage, so we are actually unwittingly doing good'. Lame! It's like the old man in MONOPOLY game trying to explain why he's good for society even though he's a greedy pig.
The image of the capitalist with stove pipe hat, tuxedo, paunchy stomach, and pipe didn't help either.

Anonymous said...

It was here that Ayn Rand stepped in and proposed a positive, unapologetic, heroic, poetic, and mythic image of the capitalist. Her image of the capitalist was modern, revolutionary, visionary, ahead-of-his-time, couragous, principled, and radical. Rand understood that the real appeal of the Left was not Das Kapital--which few people read--or even the notion of worker's justice. No, it was the image of the mythic revolutionary prophet or hero--Marx, Lenin, Trotsky--and the big tall muscular worker with a huge hammer. It was romantic and heroic. (Recently, I was watching ELECTRA MY LOVE and struck by how much I was moved by the final pro-Marxist passage in the movie though I hate communism. The sheer poetry made you want to believe. This is why the recent ATLAS SHRUGGED movie misses the point. Poetics must express than explain. Leave the explaining to
non-fiction books and essays.) The appeal of Rand is she did for the capitalist what the most creative Marxists did for the revolutionary leaders(Lenin, Castro, Che)and the image of the worker/peasant; she turned them into mythic-heroic figures.

Even so, during the throes of the Great Depression, the image of the capitalist as grand mythic hero was a hard sell.
The easier sell was the capitalist as a patriotic producer of materials to win the great war against evil--first against Nazism/Japan and then against Communism. Maybe nationalism trumps individualism. (Had Nazis won in Europe, the American left might have been more supportive of the MIC while the right might have been more critical. Since Soviets won WWII, the left grew more critical of MIC as time went on. Right--at least Paleo-cons--became critical only after the Cold War. In this light, one wonders if Eisenhower's warning about MIC was as much a dig at the order created by FDR's New Deal--Faustian Pact between capitalists and government via the military--as a dig at conditions when he left office.)

So, how much of the 2012 race will be about a genuine conservative candidate and how much will it be about some puppet of MIC yakking about 'how we gotta make the world safe for democracy', 'how we gotta defend Israel', 'how we gotta watch rise of Russia', etc, etc? And how much of this will be about legimiate foreign policy concerns and how about the continuing saga of what was co-created by FDR and capitalists during WWII?

Svigor said...

Well to be perfectly fair, we didn't know anything about the Mocha Messiah before we elected him, either. So maybe it's not that much of a handicap.

Is there any way the Republicans could drop their official candidates and replace them with a the real candidates a month or a couple weeks before the election? This would mean very little time for the media to work their black magic.

But maybe the magic won't be all that heartfelt this time around. Anybody read that Boston Herald piece linked via Drudge yesterday? Apparently Obama's so high-handed with the press, even they're starting to get pissed.

Anonymous said...

Capiwarism and capiwarriors?

Whiskey said...

Pawlenty did nothing while Al Franken stole the election. Literally nothing, as head of the Republican Party in MN. So ... he's pretty weak.

Beta male.

David said...

>There's something distinctly unconservative about this yearning for a "Great Man", a charismatic leader, on the right.<

No, just distinctly un-loser.

Anonymous said...

Genius.

Hopefully Anonymous
http://www.hopeanon.typepad.com

LBK said...

Based on this story, I don't think Pawlenty would be a good president. He'd be too inclined to intervene militarily to save little whore countries from bad pimp countries. I'm going to vote against him.

Dennis Dale said...

T Paw can open and close doors with his mind, from great distances.

Dutch Boy said...

Then again, what this country really needs is a corporate lawyer as president!