April 30, 2014

Obama: NSA to refocus away from terrorists

President Barack Obama announced today a fundamental restructuring of the mission of the National Security Administration. "In the searching conversations we have been holding over the proper goals for government surveillance, we've come to a new realization. This week the American people have spoken: it's not 2002 anymore. Few still care about hunting terrorists. What the public now wants is the hunting down of racists. By any means necessary."

The President previewed a variety of new NSA initiatives, such as data-mining the petabyte of private phone calls and emails stored in the Utah Data Center for evidence of Americans engaging in racial stereotyping, evincing a lack of personal enthusiasm for blacks, or being insufficiently outraged at Donald T. Sterling.

Mr. Obama issued an executive order retroactively abolishing any state laws, such as California's, that make illegal the surreptitious recording of private conversations. "Today, we enter a new age of transparency," announced the President during the signing ceremony.

Also, the federal government has already worked out agreements with Google and Apple so that yesterday's updates to their smartphone operating systems included a previously unannounced feature that silently turns on the phone at random intervals and sends any conversations overheard to Fort Meade for racism analysis. More than one hundred million hours were successfully collected in the first day and are currently being processed by NSA supercomputers.

The NSA will also collect in real-time all security camera footage from shops and public places. CIA lip-reading and facial-recognition software will determine who is making racially insensitive remarks. "Racists will arrive home from the mall to find the paparazzi already camped out on their driveways," the President promised.

By 2016, a fleet of drones will circulate ceaselessly over the 50 states. Each will be equipped with sensitive laser beam measuring systems that can record indoor conversations just from the vibration of window panes.

Speaking on the Business of Sports today at the Milken Global Conference in Beverly Hills, basketball legend Magic Johnson endorsed the Administration's plan, "If Barack's new system had been up and running, I wouldn't have had to spend so much cash money on that Stiviano [woman]."

Harvard law professor Cass Sunstein has been asked to head an informal commission brainstorming next steps. "The fundamental problem remains the superficiality of our digital capabilities," the husband of UN Ambassador Samantha Power warned. "For at least the next decade, if not longer, the government will only have the technology to monitor thoughts that have been expressed. Yet, it's the unexpressed thoughts lurking deep inside Americans' minds that, ultimately, we most wish to track. Perhaps a massive cadre of paid agents provocateur -- or, as I like to call them, "cognitive infiltrators" -- can be used to seduce and goad citizens into blurting out their innermost buried beliefs?"

Unavailable for comment was President Obama's appointee to run the new surveillance program, Anthony Pellicano. Frontrunner Hillary Clinton enthused, "Bill and I can't think of a better choice for the job. We've known Tony since he helped us out in '92 with that Gennifer Flowers thing."

Obama Administration critics were quick to snipe at the new program for its trillion dollar budget. Congressman Paul Ryan suggested that much of the pressing national need to track down racists could instead be crowdsourced, at zero cost to the taxpayer. Ryan announced he was in discussions with Mark Zuckerberg to add a "Snitch-on-a-Racist" button to all Facebook pages that would allow anyone to anonymously yet publicly denounce anyone else -- living or dead -- for racism, sexism, or homophobia. "It will be disruptive," promised the conservative lawmaker. The Ryan-Zuckerberg initiative was enthusiastically endorsed by the editors of Gawker, TMZJezebel, Deadspin, Slate, and The Atlantic Monthly.

Still, despite some grumblings, the response among national leaders to the President's overall goal was positive. Senator Lindsey Graham said, "It's only fair that all Americans benefit from the data-gathering capabilities of modern intelligence services, such as high-definition night-vision videography, which, to be frank, I didn't even know was a thing before that evening in the park behind the Supreme Court building."

Senator Marco Rubio concluded, "If we don't stop wasting energy on terrorists and start focusing on racists, then the real terrorists will have won."


Grey Enlightenment said...

good one

soon people will be arrested for even thinking of having certain thoughts thought up . everyone will be forced to play a mental loop of tolerant thoughts

Anonymous said...

Stop giving them ideas.

doombuggy said...

This all seems to have already been implemented.

Anonymous said...

Ummm, April 1 was a while ago.

Oswald Spengler said...

President Obama will move forward on this program (and so much more) after the 2014 midterms. What will he have to lose then?

He'll simply dare the Republican Congress to impeach him.

Anonymous said...

This is pretty good. Took me a couple paragraphs to realize it was satire. I wonder how much longer it will remain mere satire, though.

Unknown said...

Philip K. Dick.

Fred Mok said...

This is hilarious. I wish we were farther away from this dystopian future.

Who Needs Cassandra? said...

It's already true though.

Odds Bodkin said...

on this same note, the DOD mission is now to root out and eliminate all sexual predators in the military. that's what happens when the progressives are in charge. they have gotten the military to declare war on itself and view all male military service men as threats to "national security". nobody cares about terrorists or bomb brothers, only castrating white men. thanks liberals.

source- I'm in the military.

Anonymous said...

And NBA and NSA will merge into

Power Child said...

If the government hired agent provocateurs, who would make the best candidates for those positions?

You need someone who's got a lot of reach. Someone who's able to articulate stuff well. Someone who has the ability to inspire candid responses...

Holy crap, is Steve a plant?!

Anonymous said...

Good point Steve. A lot of white liberals have being obsessing about Hate Speech and giving Hate Thought free range. Many Haters go from Hate thought to Hate acts without the intervening Hate Speech so this is a needed initiative. White people educate yourself about the dangers of Hate Thought !!!


D. Bates said...

Someone posted this link a few days ago but I'm "bumping" it because it seems like one of the iSteviest stories imaginable. The art of debate, respect for tradition, institution and rules? Too white! Rap, performance and vulgarity is clearly the way forward. Idiocracy is happening, right now.


Svigor said...


I saw the headline at Drudge and immediately thought, "the perps are black." Only after following the link did I see it was an Atlanta school, which was enough to effectively confirm it.

HBD says that people doing stuff like this are usually black.

It would be nice to see some of the Forbes 400 get behind turning the panopticon onto itself. We should use all this surveillance technology being invented to create a surveillance apparatus to watch gov't employees every minute they're on the clock, everywhere they go but the bathroom.

Fisk Ellington Rutledge III said...

This is already official policy in that leftist tyranny formerly known as the U.K.

It was officially announced some years ago that the police were placing a lower priority on actual crime so as to focus more on "Hate", etc.

That stinking affirmative-action parasite Holder, has pretty much announced the same intention as the Brits.

Your piece doesn't work as satire. It is too, too close to the hideous truth.

Anonymous said...

There is an actual example of your satire, the federal investigation of George Zimmerman. In fairness to Obama/Holder, when they sent a battalion of G-men to Sanford Fla to prove George Zimmerman was a racist, and when they did not find any evidence of George Zimmerman being a racist, they did not attempt to bribe or coerce anyone into saying George Zimmerman was a racist. Which was decent of them.

Art Deco said...

This is less amusing than it should be.


Philip K. Dick.



Art Deco said...

they did not attempt to bribe or coerce anyone into saying George Zimmerman was a racist.


1. For purposes of public opinion formation, it wasn't necessary.

2. They were banking on his drama queen cousin doing the work for them.

jody said...


Dave Pinsen said...

$500 million can buy an awful lot of surveillance / entrapment. It will be interesting to see how spiteful Sterling is.

Anonymous said...

Scary stuff indeed.

We must love, worship and covet blacks.

Or else....

Shouting Thomas said...

I never thought we'd reach this point.

David said...

The more convincing HBD becomes, the more irrational its deniers will become.

Bert said...

And while all this is happening, Washington wants us to believe that a Russian invasion of Ukraine is somehow the greatest threat to the Earth since Hitler.

Someone save us from technocrats.

Dennis Dale said...

In full MLK sing-song cadence:
"The same technology that brought justice to Osama bin Laden can bring justice to every American school-child..."

Anonymous said...

Every few months this has to be the top news story.

Paula Deen and Richie Incognito are the other two recent examples that immediately come to mind, but there are so many.

You have controversy, a well-established narrative, and you can condense the entire story into a clickable headline, along with a famous name to draw attention.

Jefferson said...

1.George Zimmerman
2.Michael Richards
3.Mel Gibson
4.Donald Sterling

I am sure the Liberal PC police would love to see all 4 of these men get the death penalty.

In the eyes of Liberals, these men are worst Human Beings than Joseph Stalin, Idi Amin, and Osama Bin Laden combined.

not feeling creative said...

Whoa - nearly the same thing, not a joke, and April 29th 2014:


> Proposal Would Empower Feds to Scour Internet, TV for 'Hate Speech'

Was this your inspiration, Steve?

Rob said...

Killer punchline.

Tom-in-VA said...

Is there a majority white, English-speaking country anywhere that's not completely fucked?

Anonymous said...

"4.Donald Sterling

I am sure the Liberal PC police would love to see all 4 of these men get the death penalty."

Just remember that Sterling would have been the first to denounce you as 'racist' before his private conservation was made public.

Btw, there must be lots of rich Jewish guys who fooled around with tarts. I wonder if other bims secretly made recordings with which to blackmail them with?

Anonymous said...

"Scary stuff indeed.
We must love, worship and covet blacks.
Or else...."

Actually, the real lesson to be learned from this is the very opposite.

The real message is "Whatever you do, be careful what you say and whom you talk to."

The Lib elites are less angry with what Sterling said than the fact that he was dumb enough to get caught by babbling with a bimbo.

It's like politicians denounced Blago because he was so loud and brash with corruption.
So, getting Blago wasn't so much to end corruption but to stop the loud and stupid kind that calls attention to the culture of corruption.

So, if you don't wanna co-mingle with blacks, fine. But just don't make a big deal out of it with a bimbo who is likely to spill the beans.

Lesson learned, especially in something like sports where Jewish-black partnership is so crucial.

Anonymous said...

The real message sent by the media to elites is NOT

"Don't be racist"


"Don't get caught"

It's like in the old days, rich guys had mistresses. But they were supposed to keep that under the lid. Of course, everyone knew what was going on, but propriety was called for. As long as it was done right, no one got 'caught' even though, wink wink, they all knew.
But if you acted stupid and the thing turned into a big scandal, then you had to be shunned by the community. Not so much for what you did--have a mistress--but for mismanaging the affair to the point where it turned 'ugly'.

So, the bigshots in the media and sports industry are really pissed with Sterling for being so stupid.
It was the equivalent of Wiener sexting his whanker all over and getting caught.

Screw around if you must, but have some sense!!

So, all this brouhaha isn't really about reducing privilege but about protecting and improving it by calling for more intelligent privilege.. especially in the age of social media when there are so many clones of matt drudge.

Harry Baldwin said...

In a press conference, Attorney General Eric Holder explained that the new program was necessary as his call in 2009 for a national conversation on race did not produce the desired results. "I called for Americans to have a forthright national conversation about race. I urged them to raise certain subjects which are normally off limits because exploring them risks the questioning of one's character. I even called Americans cowards for their reluctance to engage in this conversation. We had hoped that this entreaty would flush out the racists among us, who could then be rounded up and transferred to FEMA camps. However, cowards that they are, they refused to speak out. But thanks to improvements in technology, we can now identify them through their website visits, on-line comments, telephone conversations, and personal associations. Another George Zimmerman can be identified and neutralized before he murders another Trayvon Martin.

"Some of you may remember the president's promise in 2008 to create a Civilian National Security Force. That promise has now been fulfilled, as President Obama is signing legislation to attach the Volunteer Auxiliary Thought Police to the Department of Homeland Security. These unsung heroes will at last receive the rewards and recognition they deserve for their tireless efforts to rid our college campuses and workplaces of stereotyping, inappropriate laughter, and genocide.

Thank you."

Dennis Dale said...

"Meanwhile the Homeland Security Department announced it would be refocusing the 'See Something, Say Something' program..."

If we don't act now the racists will have already won.

Anonymous said...

lol i was thinking "wow didn't expect this for a few years yet"

true story

Vladtepesblog said...

Hey but look at the bright side. After a year or so of this program, anyone still allowed to go to an NBA game can get a front row seat for like five bucks!

Anonymous said...

There's nothing funny about joking around about racism.

Anonymous said...

Actually, the real lesson to be learned from this is the very opposite.

The real message is "Whatever you do, be careful what you say and whom you talk to."

True but I think there are too target audiences. The liberal elite message, as you point out: don't get caught.

Then the more obvious message for us little people: don't say what you think, silence yourself and your feelings as much as you can.

Anonymous said...

Is there a majority white, English-speaking country anywhere that's not completely fucked?

I fear not.

UK & US seem to have similar problem, Ireland not far behind. An army of orcs invading.

Canada & Aus perhaps have a worse problem. Their importation of Asians and their reliance on supposed quality immigrants have disarmed potential resisters. Brain dead 'conservatives' are always popping up lauding their immigration policies because it makes the issue less obviously racial. When the comes for them to wake up it may be too late because they have lied to themselves about what iss happening in a way more blue collar and middle class Brits and Americans have not.

Not sure where NZ fits in though.

Anonymous said...

LOL, Steve. Brilliant. Loved every sentence. So how many hours did you spend writing and polishing this gem?

Nathan Wright said...

I agree with other commenters here, that this parody seems closer to reality, than some people might think.

If you look past the frothing lunatics that form the majority of the mob, to what its (relatively) intelligent enthusiasts are saying, you might conclude that Sterling's real crime was indeed in his thoughts. I think it was Max Kellerman (ESPN LA radio) who said something along the lines of: the reason Sterling is being punished is because of "the evil that is in his heart". I've heard this kind of sentiment more than once.

Part of the problem with America's new Secular Puritans is that they are religious zealots, but without any tradition to reflect upon. Thus, there will be no voice of reason citing a holy figure from their scriptures, with "let he among you who is without sin cast the first stone".

I grew up Protestant, and never much liked the church culture. But in comparison to the current deranged PC climate, those Christians seem like the height of civilization. I yearn for a simpler time when wisdom professed that only God can really know what's in another man's heart, let alone the heart of a stranger you know nothing about except an snipped of illicit recording of his responses to a surreptitiously leading questions by his mistress.

Doe, John said...

This is stretching things, but only just a little. One reads this with the feeling that they could wake up tommorrow and actually see this in a paper.

Anonymous said...

A brilliant satire, Steve.

I took the liberty of translating it into Portuguese (my native language) and posting it on my blog:

Obama diz que Agência Nacional de Segurança deve substituir prioridade dada aos terroristas