Donald Sterling wisely turns to iSteve for his P.R. tactics

I just got back from mailing my invoice to The Donald T. Sterling Corporation for all my public relations gambits that Sterling used in his triumphant interview with Anderson Cooper tonight. 

If you are going to launch a giant PR offensive to restore your battered reputation, always remember to turn first to this blog to see what I think would be epic for you to say (e.g., How many people did Magic Johnson kill by giving them AIDS?), and then say the exact opposite. Unfortunately for Sterling, he's not getting any younger, so he appears to have forgotten the part about saying the opposite. But as the links below will indicate, Sterling sure remembered everything else I posted here.

From Sports Illustrated:

Clippers’ Donald Sterling attacks Magic Johnson, says he should be ‘ashamed’ of HIV

BY BEN GOLLIVER

Disgraced Clippers owner Donald Sterling launched into an extended tirade against Magic Johnson in an interview with CNN, saying that the Lakers legend should be “ashamed” of being HIV-positive and suggesting that he hasn’t financially supported minority communities. 

Making his first public statements in the 16 days since his initial racially-charged audio leaked, Sterling apologized for his comments in an interview on CNN’s Anderson Cooper 360° and said that he was “asking for forgiveness.” 

But when the topic turned to Johnson, the 80-year-old Sterling launched into multiple, extended diatribes against one of the most popular NBA players of all time. 

“What has he done? Can you tell me? Big Magic Johnson, what has he done? He’s got AIDS,” Sterling told CNN. “Did he do any business? Did he help anybody in South LA?” 

Sterling was just getting started. 

“What kind of guy goes to every city, has sex with every girl, then he goes and catches HIV,” he said. “Is that someone we want to respect and tell our kids about? I think he should be ashamed of himself. I think he should go into the background. And what does he do for black people? He hasn’t done anything.

“Here’s a man I don’t know if I should say this, he acts so holy. He made love with every girl in every city in America, and he had AIDS, and when he had those AIDS, I went to my synagogue and I prayed for him. I hoped he could live and be well. I didn’t criticize him. I could have. Is he an example for children? You know, because he has money, he’s able to treat himself." ...

Well, that will persuade the media and the public to rethink this whole question of who is the Good Guy and who is the Bad Guy. It will be just like the end of Hans Christian Andersen's "The Emperor's New Clothes" when the whole mob suddenly realizes that the lone truthtelling brave little boy billionaire is right and therefore they were all wrong and hypocritical and venal. That kind of thing happens all the time ...

As Sterling and Cooper’s discussion continued, the Clippers owner tried to draw a distinction between the Jewish community and the African-African community in how each community supports its own members.

Good thinking ... This part I didn't actually recommend, but Sterling is clearly getting into the iSteve spirit and improvising nicely:

"I told you about the loans"

“The Jewish people have a company and it’s for people who want to borrow money for no interest,” he said.

They do?

“We want to give them a fishing pole. We want to help people. if they don’t have money, we’ll loan it to them. There is no African-American …. I’m sorry. they all want to play golf with me, everyone wants to be with me.” 

Good work! Comparing blacks to Jews is a surefire road to mass popularity and media approbation.

"You do know who runs this town,
don't you?"

But, next time, Donald, don't forget to mention how everybody knows that Hollywood isn't run by the Jews, it's run by the Gay Jews.

Maybe work in a Bryan Singer conspiracy theory angle.

For example, you could say that your good friend Rip Torn called to tell you this whole Clippers whoop-tee-doo was concocted as a red herring to distract from the Real Story.

"Party's at my suite. Wear your
full dress Wehrmacht uniform."

Trust me, that would go over great.

Sterling also said that Johnson leaked quotes from a conversation the two had had since the first tape was released by TMZ and said that Johnson “lulled” him into remaining quiet after the controversy first began. 

“I’m hurt that he called me up and he said don’t do anything,” Sterling told CNN. “[He said], ‘Wait until you hear from me.’ Then someone called me later and said he doesn’t want to be involved. And then he released the tape I sent to him. That I talked to him in confidence.” 

Sterling believed Johnson wanted him to wait because, “I think he wanted me to do nothing so he could buy the team. He thought the whole thing would be resolved in two weeks.”

So, yeah, as I wrote back in April, it sounds like Magic set Sterling up to get control of the Clippers. Was the set-up after the tape was released? Or was it before? It would be interesting to know how much contact there was between Magic and V. Stiviano.

"I make Jorge Ramos
look like Anderson Cooper."

And how much discussion was there of the Clippers between Magic, his backers in Guggenheim Partners such as CEO Mark Walter, and, my favorite speculation, between the Guggenheim COO Todd Boehly and Boehly's backer, Mike Milken.

The CNN interview is the first since Sterling was caught on tape berating his girlfriend, V. Stiviano, for posting a photo of Johnson to her Instagram account while making a series of racist remarks. ...

Then, in comments that leaked out last week, Sterling allegedly admitted that “jealousy” fueled his initial comments about Johnson and other African-Americans. 

"I'm not actually involved."

“The girl is black. I like her. I’m jealous that she’s with other black guys. I want her,” Sterling allegedly said, according to RadarOnline.com. “I never thought a private conversation would go anywhere out to the public. … I didn’t want her to bring anybody to my game because I was jealous. I mean, I’m being honest.”

That's exactly what I theorized on April 27th. Straight out of Moliere. Now it could be that Sterling is just lying -- he has a lifelong track record of being a terrible person -- but the Jealous Elderly Cuckold theory always made sense.

Johnson, for his part, was furious when the tapes first became public, pledging never to attend a Clippers game until Sterling was removed as owner.

Furious, I tell you, Magic was furious when the tapes first became public.

As it became clear that Silver was intent on pushing out Sterling, Johnson’s name was rumored as a possible buyer for the Clippers, and he called on Sterling to sell the team in multiple interviews. 

“I would definitely take a look at [buying the Clippers] because I am a businessman,” he said, according to the AFP. “But we here in Los Angeles, whether it’s myself or somebody else, we just want an owner who will include everybody, who will understand diversity and not include all races of people.” ...

Donald Sterling is reportedly battling cancer, and Shelly Sterling suggested in a recent interview that her husband could be suffering from the “onset of dementia.”

So, like maybe when Sterling gets my invoice with the printouts of all my blogposts giving him almost all his best ideas for the Anderson Cooper interview, he won't remember that he didn't actually hire me and just whip out his checkbook. (Darn. I should have included a self-addressed stamped envelope.)

Okay, Donald, you don't have to pay me for the part about how the Elders of Zion give free loans to all Jews while blacks would rather golf than fish -- that was all yours and it's genius stuff.

The Demented Billionaire niche sounds like a promising market for my knack for coming up with what exactly will most please contemporary America. (Call me anytime, Sheldon!)

More from what's turning into Steve Illustrated:

Clippers owner Donald Sterling on V. Stiviano: ‘She’s a street person’

... Asked specifically about Stiviano, the 80-year-old Sterling broke down in tears, painting her as a “good person” that he cared about, while also pointing out her disadvantaged background. 

“She’s a good person, she’s a beautiful person,” Sterling said. “There’s 15 of her, 15 children, 15 Hispanic kids, sisters and brothers (in her family), and she supports them all. Perhaps she’s made some mistakes. I thought she cared for me. I was stupid. How could a girl care for a man 51 years older? She wouldn’t release those tapes. She’s not a bad person. ...

“I made such a mistake,” he told CNN. “I thought that woman really cared for me. but thank God, this has all come to the light, because it could have been worse. I don’t know what she wants, I don’t know how it happened.” 

Sterling also told CNN that he believed Stiviano “baited” him into making the comments. 

“I don’t know why the girl had me say those things,” he said. “Yes, I was baited. That’s not the way I talk. … When I listen to that tape I don’t even know how I could say words like that. I’m not a racist. I love people. … An 80-year-old man is kind of foolish, and I’m kind of foolish. I thought she liked me and really cared for me. I guess being 50 years older than her, I was deluding myself.”

   

You heard it here first.